Promise In A Hug
by nebula2
Summary: After mulling things over on the swing, Reid changes his mind about how he wants to spend the evening after all. Tag to the episode "Entropy".
_**AN: It's been awhile since a CM episode has inspired my muse to write a tag to the episode, but "Entropy" did just that, even if it did take me awhile to get around to writing it. The Morgan/Reid scene at the end is definitely on my list of 10 favorite moments in CM. I hope you enjoy this look into Reid's thoughts following that scene.**_

 **Disclaimer: The characters of CM are not mine, I am simply borrowing them for the sake of entertainment only.**

* * *

When he had left Morgan's house, his intention really had been to head home. Decompressing after a case like this last one was something that he had learned to do best on his own. Spencer found that nothing grounded him more than to get lost in one of his many classics that had been read many times over. It didn't matter that he knew the stories by heart now, just the feel of the book in his hands as he read the familiar lines had a calming affect on him.

No matter what his conscious mind had intended, his subconsciousness had apparently had other ideas. Without knowing for sure why, Reid found himself at a neighborhood playground, and somehow knew that this was where he needed to be. It wasn't something that he could explain but his years at the BAU had taught him that not all things needed an explanation - some things just were.

Sitting down on the swing, Spencer recalled some of his earlier childhood memories, which involved being at the playground with his mother. He could recall her pushing him on the swing and how free he felt while swinging through the air. His childhood innocence had allowed him to feel as though he were a bird soaring through the sky without a care in the world.

He wondered if his mother could still recall those same memories at times, or if the disease had stolen them from her already. The possibility that only he remembered those times, made those memories all the more special to him.

Spencer had long ago learned not to take his eidetic memory for granted. He knew that others around him could not recall events in such vivid detail as he could. Sometimes that kind of recall was a blessing, like when it helped them solve a case. Remembering what someone had said word for word hours after it had been said had allowed them to pick up on a clue that had initially been overlooked more than once. Other times, it felt like a curse. Memories of Hankle or of Meave's death still haunted him at night. More than once, he had wanted to be able to just forget but he couldn't.

At least not yet.

His mother's illness had opened up a whole new world of fears from him. Fears that seemed totally alien to him. He had been able to wrap his mind around the concept of hallucinations and the other possible symptoms of schizophrenia. However, the idea of forgetting whom people were when he could still remember interrogations from years ago word for word, was incomprehensible to him. To be surrounded by strangers in a place you had called home for years was a frightening concept, more so than even entering a world of hallucinations and delusions.

With all the facts and figures that he had stored up over the year, reaching thirty had felt like reaching a milestone to Spencer. As most males started to show signs of schizophrenia between the ages of sixteen and twenty-five, and dropped significantly after that, he had started to believe that he would not share the same life that he had watched his mother struggle with and now he had a whole new set of fears to worry about.

It was like dodging a bullet only to realize you had stepped into the path of the next one.

" _So I'm just going to have to learn to live not knowing."_

His words to Morgan kept echoing in his head. It was something that he felt he should find easy to do. After all, he had spent his teens and twenties living without knowing whether he would develop schizophrenia. Living now, not knowing if he would be the victim of yet another disease should be easier. Except that it wasn't. He remembered Cat's words, about how in twenty years she would remember his name but he wouldn't remember hers and wonder if she were right. Would his life end at the hands of someone he had put behind bars but couldn't remember doing so?

Somehow, he didn't think so. Even if he couldn't remember Cat in twenty years, Morgan or one of his other teammates would. Spencer knew that even if he didn't remember who they were, his team would look out for him, just like he was doing for his mother even now. Out in Vegas, it had felt like for the first time in his life he was truly alone but this case had reminded him that he wasn't. His teammates, especially Morgan, were his family. Just like they'd had his back tonight, they would be there for him no matter what life had in store for him.

Cat had been wrong on another account as well. She thought she had forced him into revealing something to his teammates that he didn't want them to know. She couldn't have been further from the truth. Though he had kept them in the dark about his mother having schizophrenia for as long as he could, he hadn't wanted to do that this time around. Spencer had wanted his teammates to know. He had wanted to be able to lean on them for support. The problem was, he hadn't known how to tell them.

Cat had solved that problem for him. He had her to thank for the weight of his secret being lifted from his shoulders. His team knew, and when or if the time came, they would see the signs in him like he had in his mother. They would make sure that he got the care that he needed even if he didn't know he needed it. That had been what Morgan had wanted to tell him but hadn't been able to find the words - that no matter what happened, he would be there.

Spencer didn't need the words to hear that promise. The silence and the hug had conveyed all that he needed to know.

Getting to his feet, Spencer left the swing and the childhood memories behind. However, he didn't continue in the direction he had been headed. Instead, Spencer found himself retracing his footsteps, this time fully aware of where he intended to go. Perhaps decompressing from this case alone wasn't what he needed after all. Maybe what he really needed was to make some happy memories with those he considered family. Even if the time came when he wouldn't remember them, it would give them something happy to remember during the difficult times just like he had his happy memories of time spent with his mother to help him through the difficult times ahead.


End file.
